Post by idoltina16 on Nov 3, 2008 4:36:14 GMT -5
Meeting Lauren Koslow
To some people, meeting your favorite celebrity might seem trivial and lame and conformist but I don’t really care. To those of you who feel that way, you just don’t get it. Lauren Koslow, to me, isn’t just a celebrity. The woman saved my life. Something that monumental can’t be trivialized no matter who the person is. But this, my friends, is my story. This, in some short words, is what she’s done to save my life.
I’m able to let down my hair and scrunch it in my fingers, momentarily glancing at myself (make-up or not) before looking away, satisfied. And I always look back, astounded. I am satisfied, satisfied of my own accord. I don’t have to dress up or down, act any certain way, hide my true likes, dislikes and mannerisms. I’m not entirely the same person I was even a little over a year ago, but that’s not a bad thing. Subconsciously, I’d tried to fit a mold of what I thought I needed to be; part of who I stare at in the mirror is that person I’d tried so hard to become: confident, secure, beautiful, talented, loved. I’d been that way, in my own way, but now it shows. I exude everything I want to be without compromise, and I like it that way. This is key. I like it. I like it whether or not anyone else does. And every time I turn away from the mirror, I shake my head and know that I’ll never be able to explain to her what she’s done for me. You may ask how she did it. She was everything I strived to be. She was simply, beautifully, merely herself. In doing this, she not only brought me out of my shell and into my own, but she saved me from fourteen years of severe depression. In short, she saved my life.
I waited by the beach in California, miles away from Los Angeles, while she did other events and I longed to hold her hand, look into her face, her eyes, and say thank you. That was all I wanted. Everyone gets super excited when they find out that I live in California, because they think I get to take little day trips to Los Angeles and meet fabulous stars all of the time and it’s just not true. Los Angeles is a good eight-hour drive, minimum, from where I live on the central coast, and it’s not cheap to take a trip there. My mom’s a fan of “Days of Our Lives” as well; my grandmother watched for a time, causing her to watch, and she watched, prompting me to watch with her. Adoration of soap operas runs in our family. It’s like an addiction you can’t shake. And finally, mere weeks before the event was scheduled to take place, I was able to coerce my mother into saying yes.
After very little sleep and food and setting off false cat burglar alarms, mom and I left at around six o’clock that morning. We arrived at Citywalk at around 9:30 and made our way to the epicenter of the event to wait. They’d split the cast into different times and groups to make the meet and greets less hectic, but they would keep them all together for an introduction at the beginning and a goodbye at the end. The introduction was brief, but I found it really neat, especially for my mom, who I think was both secretly and openly really enjoying herself, lol. And I know I’ve attested this before, but seeing them in person just amplifies the reality tenfold; they are all way too pretty to live, lol. I mean, it should be illegal to be that pretty. Jay-sus.
Anyway, Lauren’s meet and greet wasn’t until the 1:30 session (and Nadia’s was with her, which worked out nicely), but Josh, Peter, Kristian, and Peggy were all doing a session together at 10:30, so Mom and I decided to get in line for that group. There was a massive amount of people there (at least like, eight hundred or something, I’m guessing, probably more), so it was pretty much, pick one group for each time slot and that’s what you get for the day. I was pleased with the way they’d set up the groups (it meant I’d get to see everyone that was on my must-sees). We waited in line for over two hours, at times fearing that they’d cut off the line for lunch before we could get in there. It rained off and on all day, and at one point one of the staff members walked by us as it started to rain, grabbed her walkie-talkie, and said, “That’s it, I’m taking my talent off the stage.” The fates seemed to be on our side though, and we got in just under the cut. They have them all set up at adjacent tables, unable to get up from their seats or anything like that, and you just went through the line of whoever was at the station, meeting them all.
Josh was set up first, followed by Kristian, Peter, and Peggy. So I walk up to Josh first, my mom at my heels, and get ready to set my book on the table for him to sign. The man is freaking GORGEOUS. I honestly think he’s one of the most underrated men, actors, ever. He’s so talented, so fun, so good-looking… Maybe I’m just weird or have strange tastes, maybe I’ve been slightly influenced by the fact that I’m a Kaman fan, but honestly, the man just radiated happiness and it made him so PRETTY, lol. Anyway, so I think we both kind of made a move to put our hands out to shake them, and he takes my hand, and KISSES it. Like a freaking PRINCE. I totally almost swooned, lol. He asked how I was, and I said I was good. He started to sign my book and I took the opportunity to tell him that everyone at TIC (Talk is Cheap, our Kaman message board, for those of you who don’t know) said hello. He took a second to register that, and then looked up at me and goes, “OH! You guys are great!” I kind of laughed and was like, “Well, we love you.” He’s adorable, I love him. He took a picture with me, Kristian, and my mom, and then we moved on. Kristian was SO sweet, really reminded me of Kristen (which means that our “casting” works out and is entirely appropriate), as are Peter and Peggy. My mom really wanted to meet Peter, and even though he seemed a little aloof (maybe just a little out of it; they had, after all, been at it for over two hours), I have a semi-decent picture of them together.
After we finished there, we immediately headed to the balcony where Lauren’s meet and greet was going to set up and got in line; they’d moved the time to two o’ clock. So we were in line at about 12:30, an hour and a half earlier, but that was totally fine because I was like, eighth in line, right up at the front. The meeting was a guarantee. I hung out for a few minutes, my mom wandering off to get some lunch, when Cheri and Jenn finally showed up. I recognized them right away and was so happy to see them. I’d been waiting for them all day, lol! And we just clicked immediately. This, again, is something that I can’t stress enough. If you don’t have relationships, friendships, with people you meet online, you just won’t understand it. I have better friends online than I do in real life, but to suggest that they aren’t really “friends,” that it places me in a “fantasy world,” as does my gratitude to Lauren, just means that you don’t get me. You don’t get me, you don’t get the way I think and feel and operate, and I’m not going to try and convince you otherwise. Cheri said she really loved my personality, that I was a lot of fun to be around and that I was really sweet, and I can totally say the same for her and Jenn. They’re so real and fun to be around even if they are older than I am. Part of the reason I love meeting my internet friends is that it makes me feel normal. It makes me feel like every other normal girl who gets to hang out with her girlfriends. I love you guys! So we hung out for like, an hour or so until Lauren, Jay, and Nadia came up to do their session.
And the thing is, I’d seen her earlier in the day. She’d passed by on the red carpet, she passed us in line, and even just then my heart was beating wildly and my body was shaking and I couldn’t stop smiling. It all just hit me at once, that she was really there, living, breathing, in front of me. This was what I’d been envisioning for over a year. And she’s just so beautiful, so funny, so fashionable, so sweet and down to earth and humble and compassionate… This is going to sound corny, but seeing her and then meeting her just engraved this thought into my mind even further. The woman is an angel. I’m serious. I know I said this with Paula, and I meant it then, but I mean it even more now with Lauren. She was just lit up and glowed. She was ETHEREAL. I mean, if there were ever a picture dictionary and you looked up that word, she’d be under it. She’s a freaking GODDESS. There’s such a brightness about her, and, like Paula, she exudes it, radiates it, spreads it. You feel so blessed to be in her presence.
Cheri and Jenn were behind me, so when the people in front of me cleared out, I had a few minutes to stay and chat since the girls were taking their time (I’m not sure whether or not it was intentional, but it did give me a little extra time with Lauren, so I’m not complaining). Nadia was first, followed by Jay and then Lauren. So I went to Nadia, and she asked me my name and how I was, and I told her that Ashley adored her but that she couldn’t come, so she told me to say hello. And Nadia looked GORGEOUS. She had on this red dress and a black coat and just looked so vivacious. Oh, and I wanted to mention the interaction between Lauren and Jay as well. I think they started working at around the same time, for the show, so to have such a connection, especially with the relation their characters have to one another, is expected but still so DARLING to see. They were talking amongst themselves, laughing and leaning on each other. You could totally tell that they had this genuine friendship and it made me all warm and fuzzy inside lol. Anyway, I got to Jay and he asked me how I was, and I was like, “I’m FABULOUS.” And as he’s signing my book, he kind of looks me over and goes, “Have you been to one of these events before?” And I could kind of tell where he was going with it and I teased, “No… Why, do I look familiar to you?” And he just nods, “Yeah, you do.” How cool is that, lol?! I look familiar to Jay Kenneth Johnson… even though… I’ve never met him, lol.
My body moved to the left, moved towards her, in front of her, as my book slid across the table to her, and the meeting began. She smiled, and I just wanted to cry and flail. The woman is gorgeous, sweet, funny, just… so AMAZING. And she was sitting right there, in front of me, living breathing, smiling, speaking to me… I seriously can’t believe I didn’t cry. I almost am now, just thinking back to it. “How are you?” she asked, the question that seemed to be the mantra of everyone that day. “I’m really good,” I said, only a slight hesitance to my words. It wasn’t difficult to talk to her; I think I was just so overly excited and overwhelmed that there was a definite catch in my voice that made it slightly hard to get my words out. She starts to sign her name in the book, so I take the opportunity to introduce myself. “I’m Tina,” I started, pausing to figure out how I should relate myself further.
That pause was enough. She looks up at me, smiles, and in a manner that was totally characteristically spastic of her, she goes, “Oh, you’re THE Tina!” She knew EXACTLY who I was. HOLY. FREAKING. CRAP. Inside, my whole body just lifted, overjoyed at the fact that the little contact I’d been able to make prior to this meeting had stuck with her, that Cheri and Jenn’s mention of my attendance was fresh in her mind. She knew me! Eeeee!!!! “Yeah, that’s me,” I said, trying not to laugh a little. So she moves to another section of her page in the book, adding to her autograph, “To THE Tina.” It was SO cute, the addition, the way she said it, the flourish she had with her Sharpie, lol.
As she adds that, I finally manage to get out what I’d come to say, “I just wanted to thank you in person,” I started, pausing to collect myself. “You saved my life,” I enthused. “And I just really wanted to say thank you for that.”
She stops, looks up at me, and the look on her face- OH MY GOD. It was like a combination of registering what I’d just said to her and reacting to it. She looked SO touched, and just thinking about it makes me smile. I affected her. I affected her in a way that she affected me and that’s just so MIND BLOWING. I mean, she’s Lauren f**king Koslow, but she’s such a REAL person. It’s not like I didn’t know that, but like I said before, everything you know just gets amplified, exemplified, in person. It just hits home so much harder. And in a weird way, I felt like I’d peeled back a layer. After a second, she says, “I’m really glad you told me that. It means a lot to me.”
*insert crazy non-sensible expletive here* GAH. I can’t get over that. Everything she said just stuck with me, and for some reason this just sticks out every time I think about it. Maybe it was the tone in her voice, so genuine, maybe it was the words themselves, maybe it was the look on her face, or maybe it was everything combined, I don’t know, but the fact that she was glad that I told her what I’d been dying to say meant the world to me. “It means a lot to me,” I reiterated, gushed in return, “what you did for me.”
And almost imperceptibly, she stands. The staff at the event had been pretty strict about most of the rules; they weren’t allowed to stand, and nobody was allowed to come around the table from either side. But she stood and leaned over the table. And I knew what was going to happen, and I still just freaked out over it anyway. I lean towards her and she wraps her arms around me, mine encircling her seconds after, and I just closed my eyes. It was, no other words for it, pure BLISS. I honestly felt like I’d just floated up to heaven in that moment. She held me, longer than I think a normal hug ensues, and I just thought, “God, I love this woman.” I mean, there really isn’t anything else for it. She CARES. She cares, she empathizes, she listens, she… She’s real and extraordinary all at once. And she smells so FRESH, lol!
We pull apart, exchanging a glance for a moment, and it occurs to me as she sits back down that I have NO idea what to do with myself next, lol. Luckily, Cheri and Jenn have impeccable timing. They came up at that point and asked if they wanted them to take the picture for me and I, slightly flustered, was like, “Oh, yeah,” pulling out my camera and handing it to Cheri. Lauren stands up, AGAIN, and we both lean over the table, our arms falling across each other’s backs, our heads sort of touching (I’m vertically CHALLENGED, okay, lol?! She’s naturally five inches taller than me, she was wearing boots, and we were leaning), and wait for the picture. And as I smiled, some of her hair partially fell in front of one of my eyes, and my first thought was, “OH MY GOD HER HAIR IS SO SOFT.” And I thought about trying to move it so that I didn’t look completely strange in the picture but I decided against it.
The camera shuttered, Cheri and Jenn inspected the photo to make sure it had turned out alright and upon approval handed my camera back to me. I started to gather my things back up into my purse and started to move to the side; I wanted to wait until Cheri and Jenn were done before I left, so I could see them with her and watch her a little longer. And I don’t know what prompts me to be such a spazz, but I blurt, “I’m not crying… I’m shaking, but I’m not crying!”
And Lauren gets THE LOOK on her face again, offers this beautiful smile on her beautiful face (too f**king beautiful Jesus I can’t get over it), and hold out her hand, reaching for mine. I place my hand in hers and she just holds my hand for a brief moment. She doesn’t say anything; she doesn’t have to. Anything that could be said in response to my whole story was said in that moment. I felt everything pulsing from her hand to mine, her reassurance. I felt like Jenn expressed later: chin up, smile. It was the most profound way to say, “Everything is going to be okay. You are strong enough to make it through anything.” And that just made it all ten times worth it. She bolstered what she’d given me, enabled me to do.
I watched Cheri and Jenn interact with her, and it was all just so endearing, the hugging, the kissing, the underlying knowledge of how important they were to each other… I was so glad that we’d done this together, that I got to see that, because I think it really just capped off the perfect experience for me. They were happy for me, I was happy for them, there was love all around. And that’s just naturally the type of people we are. It wasn’t forced or selfish or anything. We tend to give to others and aren’t normally the jealous types. We left after that, me yelling hello to Jill via Cheri’s phone, taking a few pictures, and parting ways. Originally, my mom and I had planned to go home, but we stayed for the rest of the event, watching other meet and greets and the jumbo screen playing the show. At the end of the day, the entire cast came out for one last parade on the balcony of the Hard Rock Café (including a raunchy little strip tease from Bryan Dattilo), and I got to glimpse the “talent” one last time.
It started to rain again at the end of the event, literally seconds after the cast had left, so my mom and I decided to go home. We walked out of Citywalk towards the parking garage to our car, and guess who is walking out of the parking garage in our direction with two security guards. JOSH! I was so surprised, I couldn’t believe it, lol! “I totally wasn’t expecting this but hi!” I greeted cheerfully as he got closer. And he smiled and totally recognized me! As we were getting ready to pass each other, my mother and I about to die in sheer amazement at our luck, he reaches out and grabs my arm, giving it a cute little squeeze. “Take care of yourself,” he said, leaning down towards me a little. I smiled as he let go, “You too!” HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT?!
I don’t even… I don’t even know if there’s a way to summarize any of this. I want to thank my mom. If she hadn’t agreed to it, I wouldn’t have gone. And she wouldn’t have agreed to it if she didn’t watch the show. And she wouldn’t have watched the show if my grandmother hadn’t, so I guess I ultimately have to thank her too, even though she’s one of those people who doesn’t understand online relationships and doesn’t understand how a “soap opera star” saved my life. Isn’t that uncanny, Kristen?
And they tell me that it runs in the family, family, family…
Edit: I'm including the video montage of the trip. I didn't get to use all of the clips I wanted to because I couldn't download them, but I'll take what I can get, I suppose.
To some people, meeting your favorite celebrity might seem trivial and lame and conformist but I don’t really care. To those of you who feel that way, you just don’t get it. Lauren Koslow, to me, isn’t just a celebrity. The woman saved my life. Something that monumental can’t be trivialized no matter who the person is. But this, my friends, is my story. This, in some short words, is what she’s done to save my life.
I’m able to let down my hair and scrunch it in my fingers, momentarily glancing at myself (make-up or not) before looking away, satisfied. And I always look back, astounded. I am satisfied, satisfied of my own accord. I don’t have to dress up or down, act any certain way, hide my true likes, dislikes and mannerisms. I’m not entirely the same person I was even a little over a year ago, but that’s not a bad thing. Subconsciously, I’d tried to fit a mold of what I thought I needed to be; part of who I stare at in the mirror is that person I’d tried so hard to become: confident, secure, beautiful, talented, loved. I’d been that way, in my own way, but now it shows. I exude everything I want to be without compromise, and I like it that way. This is key. I like it. I like it whether or not anyone else does. And every time I turn away from the mirror, I shake my head and know that I’ll never be able to explain to her what she’s done for me. You may ask how she did it. She was everything I strived to be. She was simply, beautifully, merely herself. In doing this, she not only brought me out of my shell and into my own, but she saved me from fourteen years of severe depression. In short, she saved my life.
I waited by the beach in California, miles away from Los Angeles, while she did other events and I longed to hold her hand, look into her face, her eyes, and say thank you. That was all I wanted. Everyone gets super excited when they find out that I live in California, because they think I get to take little day trips to Los Angeles and meet fabulous stars all of the time and it’s just not true. Los Angeles is a good eight-hour drive, minimum, from where I live on the central coast, and it’s not cheap to take a trip there. My mom’s a fan of “Days of Our Lives” as well; my grandmother watched for a time, causing her to watch, and she watched, prompting me to watch with her. Adoration of soap operas runs in our family. It’s like an addiction you can’t shake. And finally, mere weeks before the event was scheduled to take place, I was able to coerce my mother into saying yes.
After very little sleep and food and setting off false cat burglar alarms, mom and I left at around six o’clock that morning. We arrived at Citywalk at around 9:30 and made our way to the epicenter of the event to wait. They’d split the cast into different times and groups to make the meet and greets less hectic, but they would keep them all together for an introduction at the beginning and a goodbye at the end. The introduction was brief, but I found it really neat, especially for my mom, who I think was both secretly and openly really enjoying herself, lol. And I know I’ve attested this before, but seeing them in person just amplifies the reality tenfold; they are all way too pretty to live, lol. I mean, it should be illegal to be that pretty. Jay-sus.
Anyway, Lauren’s meet and greet wasn’t until the 1:30 session (and Nadia’s was with her, which worked out nicely), but Josh, Peter, Kristian, and Peggy were all doing a session together at 10:30, so Mom and I decided to get in line for that group. There was a massive amount of people there (at least like, eight hundred or something, I’m guessing, probably more), so it was pretty much, pick one group for each time slot and that’s what you get for the day. I was pleased with the way they’d set up the groups (it meant I’d get to see everyone that was on my must-sees). We waited in line for over two hours, at times fearing that they’d cut off the line for lunch before we could get in there. It rained off and on all day, and at one point one of the staff members walked by us as it started to rain, grabbed her walkie-talkie, and said, “That’s it, I’m taking my talent off the stage.” The fates seemed to be on our side though, and we got in just under the cut. They have them all set up at adjacent tables, unable to get up from their seats or anything like that, and you just went through the line of whoever was at the station, meeting them all.
Josh was set up first, followed by Kristian, Peter, and Peggy. So I walk up to Josh first, my mom at my heels, and get ready to set my book on the table for him to sign. The man is freaking GORGEOUS. I honestly think he’s one of the most underrated men, actors, ever. He’s so talented, so fun, so good-looking… Maybe I’m just weird or have strange tastes, maybe I’ve been slightly influenced by the fact that I’m a Kaman fan, but honestly, the man just radiated happiness and it made him so PRETTY, lol. Anyway, so I think we both kind of made a move to put our hands out to shake them, and he takes my hand, and KISSES it. Like a freaking PRINCE. I totally almost swooned, lol. He asked how I was, and I said I was good. He started to sign my book and I took the opportunity to tell him that everyone at TIC (Talk is Cheap, our Kaman message board, for those of you who don’t know) said hello. He took a second to register that, and then looked up at me and goes, “OH! You guys are great!” I kind of laughed and was like, “Well, we love you.” He’s adorable, I love him. He took a picture with me, Kristian, and my mom, and then we moved on. Kristian was SO sweet, really reminded me of Kristen (which means that our “casting” works out and is entirely appropriate), as are Peter and Peggy. My mom really wanted to meet Peter, and even though he seemed a little aloof (maybe just a little out of it; they had, after all, been at it for over two hours), I have a semi-decent picture of them together.
After we finished there, we immediately headed to the balcony where Lauren’s meet and greet was going to set up and got in line; they’d moved the time to two o’ clock. So we were in line at about 12:30, an hour and a half earlier, but that was totally fine because I was like, eighth in line, right up at the front. The meeting was a guarantee. I hung out for a few minutes, my mom wandering off to get some lunch, when Cheri and Jenn finally showed up. I recognized them right away and was so happy to see them. I’d been waiting for them all day, lol! And we just clicked immediately. This, again, is something that I can’t stress enough. If you don’t have relationships, friendships, with people you meet online, you just won’t understand it. I have better friends online than I do in real life, but to suggest that they aren’t really “friends,” that it places me in a “fantasy world,” as does my gratitude to Lauren, just means that you don’t get me. You don’t get me, you don’t get the way I think and feel and operate, and I’m not going to try and convince you otherwise. Cheri said she really loved my personality, that I was a lot of fun to be around and that I was really sweet, and I can totally say the same for her and Jenn. They’re so real and fun to be around even if they are older than I am. Part of the reason I love meeting my internet friends is that it makes me feel normal. It makes me feel like every other normal girl who gets to hang out with her girlfriends. I love you guys! So we hung out for like, an hour or so until Lauren, Jay, and Nadia came up to do their session.
And the thing is, I’d seen her earlier in the day. She’d passed by on the red carpet, she passed us in line, and even just then my heart was beating wildly and my body was shaking and I couldn’t stop smiling. It all just hit me at once, that she was really there, living, breathing, in front of me. This was what I’d been envisioning for over a year. And she’s just so beautiful, so funny, so fashionable, so sweet and down to earth and humble and compassionate… This is going to sound corny, but seeing her and then meeting her just engraved this thought into my mind even further. The woman is an angel. I’m serious. I know I said this with Paula, and I meant it then, but I mean it even more now with Lauren. She was just lit up and glowed. She was ETHEREAL. I mean, if there were ever a picture dictionary and you looked up that word, she’d be under it. She’s a freaking GODDESS. There’s such a brightness about her, and, like Paula, she exudes it, radiates it, spreads it. You feel so blessed to be in her presence.
Cheri and Jenn were behind me, so when the people in front of me cleared out, I had a few minutes to stay and chat since the girls were taking their time (I’m not sure whether or not it was intentional, but it did give me a little extra time with Lauren, so I’m not complaining). Nadia was first, followed by Jay and then Lauren. So I went to Nadia, and she asked me my name and how I was, and I told her that Ashley adored her but that she couldn’t come, so she told me to say hello. And Nadia looked GORGEOUS. She had on this red dress and a black coat and just looked so vivacious. Oh, and I wanted to mention the interaction between Lauren and Jay as well. I think they started working at around the same time, for the show, so to have such a connection, especially with the relation their characters have to one another, is expected but still so DARLING to see. They were talking amongst themselves, laughing and leaning on each other. You could totally tell that they had this genuine friendship and it made me all warm and fuzzy inside lol. Anyway, I got to Jay and he asked me how I was, and I was like, “I’m FABULOUS.” And as he’s signing my book, he kind of looks me over and goes, “Have you been to one of these events before?” And I could kind of tell where he was going with it and I teased, “No… Why, do I look familiar to you?” And he just nods, “Yeah, you do.” How cool is that, lol?! I look familiar to Jay Kenneth Johnson… even though… I’ve never met him, lol.
My body moved to the left, moved towards her, in front of her, as my book slid across the table to her, and the meeting began. She smiled, and I just wanted to cry and flail. The woman is gorgeous, sweet, funny, just… so AMAZING. And she was sitting right there, in front of me, living breathing, smiling, speaking to me… I seriously can’t believe I didn’t cry. I almost am now, just thinking back to it. “How are you?” she asked, the question that seemed to be the mantra of everyone that day. “I’m really good,” I said, only a slight hesitance to my words. It wasn’t difficult to talk to her; I think I was just so overly excited and overwhelmed that there was a definite catch in my voice that made it slightly hard to get my words out. She starts to sign her name in the book, so I take the opportunity to introduce myself. “I’m Tina,” I started, pausing to figure out how I should relate myself further.
That pause was enough. She looks up at me, smiles, and in a manner that was totally characteristically spastic of her, she goes, “Oh, you’re THE Tina!” She knew EXACTLY who I was. HOLY. FREAKING. CRAP. Inside, my whole body just lifted, overjoyed at the fact that the little contact I’d been able to make prior to this meeting had stuck with her, that Cheri and Jenn’s mention of my attendance was fresh in her mind. She knew me! Eeeee!!!! “Yeah, that’s me,” I said, trying not to laugh a little. So she moves to another section of her page in the book, adding to her autograph, “To THE Tina.” It was SO cute, the addition, the way she said it, the flourish she had with her Sharpie, lol.
As she adds that, I finally manage to get out what I’d come to say, “I just wanted to thank you in person,” I started, pausing to collect myself. “You saved my life,” I enthused. “And I just really wanted to say thank you for that.”
She stops, looks up at me, and the look on her face- OH MY GOD. It was like a combination of registering what I’d just said to her and reacting to it. She looked SO touched, and just thinking about it makes me smile. I affected her. I affected her in a way that she affected me and that’s just so MIND BLOWING. I mean, she’s Lauren f**king Koslow, but she’s such a REAL person. It’s not like I didn’t know that, but like I said before, everything you know just gets amplified, exemplified, in person. It just hits home so much harder. And in a weird way, I felt like I’d peeled back a layer. After a second, she says, “I’m really glad you told me that. It means a lot to me.”
*insert crazy non-sensible expletive here* GAH. I can’t get over that. Everything she said just stuck with me, and for some reason this just sticks out every time I think about it. Maybe it was the tone in her voice, so genuine, maybe it was the words themselves, maybe it was the look on her face, or maybe it was everything combined, I don’t know, but the fact that she was glad that I told her what I’d been dying to say meant the world to me. “It means a lot to me,” I reiterated, gushed in return, “what you did for me.”
And almost imperceptibly, she stands. The staff at the event had been pretty strict about most of the rules; they weren’t allowed to stand, and nobody was allowed to come around the table from either side. But she stood and leaned over the table. And I knew what was going to happen, and I still just freaked out over it anyway. I lean towards her and she wraps her arms around me, mine encircling her seconds after, and I just closed my eyes. It was, no other words for it, pure BLISS. I honestly felt like I’d just floated up to heaven in that moment. She held me, longer than I think a normal hug ensues, and I just thought, “God, I love this woman.” I mean, there really isn’t anything else for it. She CARES. She cares, she empathizes, she listens, she… She’s real and extraordinary all at once. And she smells so FRESH, lol!
We pull apart, exchanging a glance for a moment, and it occurs to me as she sits back down that I have NO idea what to do with myself next, lol. Luckily, Cheri and Jenn have impeccable timing. They came up at that point and asked if they wanted them to take the picture for me and I, slightly flustered, was like, “Oh, yeah,” pulling out my camera and handing it to Cheri. Lauren stands up, AGAIN, and we both lean over the table, our arms falling across each other’s backs, our heads sort of touching (I’m vertically CHALLENGED, okay, lol?! She’s naturally five inches taller than me, she was wearing boots, and we were leaning), and wait for the picture. And as I smiled, some of her hair partially fell in front of one of my eyes, and my first thought was, “OH MY GOD HER HAIR IS SO SOFT.” And I thought about trying to move it so that I didn’t look completely strange in the picture but I decided against it.
The camera shuttered, Cheri and Jenn inspected the photo to make sure it had turned out alright and upon approval handed my camera back to me. I started to gather my things back up into my purse and started to move to the side; I wanted to wait until Cheri and Jenn were done before I left, so I could see them with her and watch her a little longer. And I don’t know what prompts me to be such a spazz, but I blurt, “I’m not crying… I’m shaking, but I’m not crying!”
And Lauren gets THE LOOK on her face again, offers this beautiful smile on her beautiful face (too f**king beautiful Jesus I can’t get over it), and hold out her hand, reaching for mine. I place my hand in hers and she just holds my hand for a brief moment. She doesn’t say anything; she doesn’t have to. Anything that could be said in response to my whole story was said in that moment. I felt everything pulsing from her hand to mine, her reassurance. I felt like Jenn expressed later: chin up, smile. It was the most profound way to say, “Everything is going to be okay. You are strong enough to make it through anything.” And that just made it all ten times worth it. She bolstered what she’d given me, enabled me to do.
I watched Cheri and Jenn interact with her, and it was all just so endearing, the hugging, the kissing, the underlying knowledge of how important they were to each other… I was so glad that we’d done this together, that I got to see that, because I think it really just capped off the perfect experience for me. They were happy for me, I was happy for them, there was love all around. And that’s just naturally the type of people we are. It wasn’t forced or selfish or anything. We tend to give to others and aren’t normally the jealous types. We left after that, me yelling hello to Jill via Cheri’s phone, taking a few pictures, and parting ways. Originally, my mom and I had planned to go home, but we stayed for the rest of the event, watching other meet and greets and the jumbo screen playing the show. At the end of the day, the entire cast came out for one last parade on the balcony of the Hard Rock Café (including a raunchy little strip tease from Bryan Dattilo), and I got to glimpse the “talent” one last time.
It started to rain again at the end of the event, literally seconds after the cast had left, so my mom and I decided to go home. We walked out of Citywalk towards the parking garage to our car, and guess who is walking out of the parking garage in our direction with two security guards. JOSH! I was so surprised, I couldn’t believe it, lol! “I totally wasn’t expecting this but hi!” I greeted cheerfully as he got closer. And he smiled and totally recognized me! As we were getting ready to pass each other, my mother and I about to die in sheer amazement at our luck, he reaches out and grabs my arm, giving it a cute little squeeze. “Take care of yourself,” he said, leaning down towards me a little. I smiled as he let go, “You too!” HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT?!
I don’t even… I don’t even know if there’s a way to summarize any of this. I want to thank my mom. If she hadn’t agreed to it, I wouldn’t have gone. And she wouldn’t have agreed to it if she didn’t watch the show. And she wouldn’t have watched the show if my grandmother hadn’t, so I guess I ultimately have to thank her too, even though she’s one of those people who doesn’t understand online relationships and doesn’t understand how a “soap opera star” saved my life. Isn’t that uncanny, Kristen?
And they tell me that it runs in the family, family, family…
Edit: I'm including the video montage of the trip. I didn't get to use all of the clips I wanted to because I couldn't download them, but I'll take what I can get, I suppose.